doll_of_despair's Journal

What do you do when you feel so alone when you are among other people? When others perceive you a certain way, the way you'd like to be perceived, yet inside you know that you are holding a deep dark secret, that you truly feel weakness. You feel sad and alone, and scared, yet why do others not see this? I am glad they do not, but it's the reason I feel alone. And of course learning the lesson that what people see is what they want, and if you show them it is not truly that way, then they will be disappointed and what you thought you had, is no more. How can I ever be close to someone, to express how I truly feel when it will just be what no one wants to hear. It would crush the strength they are looking for for themselves. So I never truly feel comfortable being who I am, I have to have a persona to uphold, and eventually that just makes me feel so alone, and I don't want to be out among others, even though I really do. How can I learn the secret of interacting with others? I have an idea how, but it requires being alone to figure it out, since the answer for how you feel always comes from yourself. Of course I can never have that opportunity, and when it looks like I might, something comes along to take that away. Responsibility destroys the ability to grow. And that really hurts and scares me. How can I express how I feel when I don't have the chance to learn what that really is for myself. It's enough to make you want to give up and die. I don't want to be so deep anymore, but the only way I see to get out of that is to go even deeper, which is an effort I don't have the luxury of. I only experience the wanting without the actual doing. But I always hold myself up, and I just hope my strength to do so lasts through everything that is and is about to happen.

Current Mood: discontent

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